Committed

Don’t take this the wrong way

(even though I always do when someone starts out that way)

but,

I tried to talk myself away from you so many times.

My mind could not conceive of a single way we’d work.

I was too young.

My life couldn’t possibly be “together” enough for you.

We lived too far apart.

Eventually you’d find out just how far I was from perfect.

I was full of excuses

defenses

fears.

Yet, every time I’d start to walk

you’d meet me in that new place,

sit down,

and say,

“Well, if this is where we are… I like it.”

Now my future plans are riddled with images of you.

I’ve fallen in recklessly

helplessly

fully.

As if this was some lesson,

I finally figured out how strong people turn fragile.

(Please, don’t shatter me.)

EKJ

When I Was Wrong

He has this boyish laughter.

It bursts out when something surprises him.

He doesn’t use it often.

That first time I heard it

I realized I was wrong about thinking

he was hiding something from me.

I realized he hadn’t told me his secrets

because he was still a blank slate.

I was in no position to clean

erase

or accept a mess.

That after all this time

he remained

ready to be written on.

 

The New Year Came Early

I decided that I’m not waiting for January 1st to make some drastic change in my life as an attempt to meet unrealistic resolutions. With a “there’s no time like the present” attitude, I have began a good habit kick without even really realizing it.

Last year I read somewhere that 90% of New Year resolutions fail. Instead of becoming depressed by that statistic, I decided that I would make ten resolutions. That way, when 90% of my own resolutions failed, at least I had one that put me a step closer to the person I wanted to be.

I don’t want to say that this method had nothing to show for itself. After all, I did have 21 celebration-worthy items on my Birthday Thoughts post. However, this week made me feel like my life has so much room for improvement and I didn’t want to set a start date. I just wanted to start.

So, I went to the gym.

I’ve eaten healthy.

I studied to learn, not because I had a test.

I’ve been reaching out to friends.

I’ve finally been doing things that I keep telling myself that I should do.

And I don’t want to hold myself to some crazy diet plan or unattainable goal just because I’ll get to say “new year, new me”. I don’t really care about the new year. As far as I’m concerned, the new me can begin right now, and it can begin by doing the things I know I want to have done.

Not Bad

The thing that is advantageous is always the same thing that works in a disadvantageous way. That’s what my professor is trying to engrain in our brains about cellular pathways, anyway. I don’t think it’s a particularly hard concept, but it is one that might be hard to accept.

For a person, it’s like saying a positive attribute about his personality is that he is extremely organized and scheduled. This is good because it means he’s never late and he accomplishes what he needs to accomplish. However, this good thing is also what might be considered bad about him. He is organized and scheduled and so he isn’t very flexible and he gets upset when things change, which they inevitably will.

This idea could be scary. It’s easy to get lost on the bad thought train. That the more you work towards one thing, the less you have time to work for another. That have balance between the two means you probably aren’t giving enough to either direction.

However, it also might work in the opposite direction. For every bad quality a person has, perhaps there is a strength lying on the other side. I’d like to think this. Maybe I run late sometimes, but that means that I take the time to present myself well. Maybe I think about myself too much, but that must mean I’m really in tune with my thoughts and being in tune with myself is mental health (Right?? It’s all about self-care these days).

Isn’t it nice to have fall back? When the bad thought train does hit (which, yes, is also inevitable) this is an idea that helps me get off of it.

Birthday Thoughts

I’ve heard nobody likes you when you’re twenty-two. Is that true? I hope not. In any case, I’d like to think I spent year twenty-one well. In honor of the last year, here are twenty-one things worth celebrating.

  1. I moved to Seattle (a place I have always had an affinity for)
  2. I learned how to drink wine
  3. I went skiing for the first time
  4. I met my cutie pie boyfriend (and may I even venture to say fell in love?)
  5. I’m going to grad school
  6. I’m going to grad school at Johns Hopkins
  7. No classes were skipped this entire semester (even when I wanted to)
  8. When I wasn’t going to school, I found a job that I liked doing. (One for which I was completely under qualified, but did well despite that.)
  9. I moved to Baltimore (even though I was scared to)
  10. I’ve lived alone
  11. I’ve taken public transport on my own (really 8. and 9. are a combination that say that I’ve become more independent)
  12. A lot of really good friends were made
  13. Old friends were not lost
  14. I’ve cooked a really excellent meal
  15. A pink couch was set up in my living room (yes, this deserves it’s own number)
  16. This blog was started (and kept!)
  17. I stopped being embarrassed to admit I like things that other people might not (aka music, art, books, food)
  18. I learned to give advice with out being forceful (I think and hope)
  19. I’ve become more empathetic
  20. I’ve worked on listening to the things that the people around me are saying and learned that maybe everyone has ideas that are just as good (okay, sometimes a whole lot better) as my own
  21. Many books were read this year (many new ideas were pondered)

A Holiday Story

We were driving

on a cross country

road trip.

I feel like

we were

always on

long, cross country

road trips.

Everyone in the car

was sipping those large

gas station coffees.

It had started

to snow.

I remember

thinking the flakes

that were coming down

made it look like our car

was going into

light speed,

the same way the

ships in Starwarz do.

Thanksgiving was coming up

in a few days.

My sister rolled down

her window,

snow was getting

inside of the car,

but freezing temperatures

were no match

for the hyperactivity

of kids

stuck in a car

all day long

drinking large coffees.

She stuck her

head out the window

and screamed

into the side of a mountain

“I LOVE THE PILGRIMS”

and I’m still thankful.

Christmas music was

turned on not long after.

After all,

it looked more like

christmas outside.

That trip is when

I found out

my sense of humor

had a tendency

for the dark.

We drove past

a snowmobile,

stuck in the snow.

I laughed at the irony,

I laughed that no one else

was laughing.

I still laugh about

it sometimes

and wonder how

our car ever made

it through that pass.

This is was nostalgia

looks like.

-EKJ

My Solo Salt Lake City Day

Spending time alone has never been hard for me. I’m easily entertained and am usually fairly flexible with plans. However, this Thanksgiving break was the first time I found myself wandering solo in an unfamiliar city. As a student, I was obviously on a budget. I was also without any kind of itinerary. I never took the time to plan the 12 hours I had to kill. Luckily, or perhaps willfully, the day was no waste.

At around 9:30 AM my plane from Baltimore was sitting on the tarmac and I took the opportunity to pull out my phone and look through several blog posts about what to do in Salt Lake City. Here is what I found. There were a few interesting locations worth noting. I was especially keen on keeping my eye open for what wasn’t going to cost me anything but a couple of hours.

Transportation

The first item of business was to get from the airport to the hotel in order to drop my suitcase and lighten my load enough to easily navigate the city. My original thought was Uber or Lyft. The ride was going to cost about $25 (actually fairly cheap compared to other places) and I was cringing at the thought of what else that $25 was capable of going towards. Fortunately, my fate was changed when I saw the light rail sign. Light rails get you where you need to go (or close by) for less than $3, and since I was in no real rush I was ready to commit.

IMG_1739

No Need To Stick To The Plan

Around 45 minutes later I had made it to my hotel near Temple Square, had dumped my baggage (literally), and was ready to find out what the day had in store. City Creek Center was recommended to me by my sister who had spent a summer living in Salt Lake, so that’s where I set off for first. Her exact wording described the mall as “beautiful and huge” and I thought, although I wouldn’t be buying anything, it was worth going to see. My GPS gave me an estimated 20-minute arrival time if I walked and that’s what I set out to do.

About half way I was stopped by a charming bookstore and coffee shop called Ebore Books. I love reading and I loved everything about this little store. Upon walking in I was hit with the smell of old paperbacks and the cappuccino I ordered was exactly what I needed. After I spent some time enjoying my find (Pillars of the Earth, A Great American Read book!) I decided it was time to continue my adventure.

City Creek Center

I know malls don’t sound like place anyone needs to visit on their one day exploring the city but this one was! Honestly, I didn’t expect to be impressed but my sister was right to send me. The building itself was gorgeous (I mean, come on! Look at that ceiling) and there were plenty of cool views of temple square, which happens to sit on the next block.

Image-1

IMG_1742

Temple Square

Temple Square is captivating. The buildings and statues look solid and pure and lasting. I felt like they demanded more than a five-minute walk through and so I gave them more time. Walking slowly and pausing occasionally allowed me to really recognize the worth and the beauty of what I was looking at.

UMOCA

Next, I wandered over to the Utah Museum of Contemporary Art. In the past, I have found that I appreciate paintings the most, however I found the artworks witty and inspiring. This was the only thing I paid for all day and it was only $5!

IMG_1745

The City Library

In case you thought I had my fill of books from the cozy shop earlier in the day, I hadn’t. The City Library was on several lists of things I should see, so I went and saw. The building had an interesting curve that gave way to a great mountain view. Plus, there were a bunch of cute shops to look through on the first floor.

IMG_1746-1

Café Rio

Last but not least, is it really a trip to Utah if you skip out on the best fast food Mexican restaurant ever?

 

Maybe it was the fact I was on my own schedule. Maybe it was because it was such a nice day for spending time walking outside. Whatever it was, I think I’ll be back to Salt Lake soon.

Also, in case you’re wondering if I’m capable of traversing the world on my own, I think this should give a good indication. Okay, okay, I’m being dramatic as per usual. At least the day was one well spent!

What I’ve Learned

It took me being alone,

really alone,

for me to realize

it was okay to laugh out loud

even when I am the only person

to find it funny.

It was okay to paint

even though I am not an artist.

It was okay to write

even when I don’t always find the words to say.

However,

it was not okay to bake the healthy recipe

that tastes awful

because bananas are better alone

than they are in the 4 ingredient

“bread” loaf.

-EKJ