Don’t take this the wrong way

(even though I always do when someone starts out that way)

but,

I tried to talk myself away from you so many times.

My mind could not conceive of a single way we’d work.

I was too young.

My life couldn’t possibly be “together” enough for you.

We lived too far apart.

Eventually you’d find out just how far I was from perfect.

I was full of excuses

defenses

fears.

Yet, every time I’d start to walk

you’d meet me in that new place,

sit down,

and say,

“Well, if this is where we are… I like it.”

Now my future plans are riddled with images of you.

I’ve fallen in recklessly

helplessly

fully.

As if this was some lesson,

I finally figured out how strong people turn fragile.

(Please, don’t shatter me.)

EKJ

He has this boyish laughter.

It bursts out when something surprises him.

He doesn’t use it often.

That first time I heard it

I realized I was wrong about thinking

he was hiding something from me.

I realized he hadn’t told me his secrets

because he was still a blank slate.

I was in no position to clean

erase

or accept a mess.

That after all this time

he remained

ready to be written on.

she rains everyday

and there are people who say

they love to watch her fall from the sky

-EKJ

It took me being alone,

really alone,

for me to realize

it was okay to laugh out loud

even when I am the only person

to find it funny.

It was okay to paint

even though I am not an artist.

It was okay to write

even when I don’t always find the words to say.

However,

it was not okay to bake the healthy recipe

that tastes awful

because bananas are better alone

than they are in the 4 ingredient

“bread” loaf.

-EKJ

“Tell me a story.”

 You smile.

I laugh.

You lay your head next to mine.

I lose myself for a moment,

staring at you.

Staring at your eyes,

your nose,

the skin between your eyebrows,

your lips, and smile, and cheeks

and finally your eyes one more time

before closing my own at last

to focus on the task assigned.

I’m thinking of a good story for you,

but you already know all of my good stories.

You’re in all of my good stories.

You already knew that, too.

Before you asked, I mean.

I tell you a story anyway.

“There was a girl

 and there was a boy

leading each other on a perfectly mundane adventure.”

“Oh good.”

Still, you smile.

“I was hoping you’d pick this one.”

Then, I take an excruciatingly long time with the details.

-EKJ

I used to think

that the darkest

the sky would ever be

was just before dawn

But you always liked proving me wrong

so you gave me a glimpse

of the darkest sky

You extinguished

every star

there was in my eye

You were the heat death

of my universe

-EKJ

I miss him like I know what it’s like

to have him around on a Tuesday evening

in the summer.

At 8pm the sun is still out.

We go on a walk around the block

and nothing we talk about is important

but we laugh the whole way.

I miss him like we have spent more than one

day dancing around the living room to old music.

He pulls me close just to sing the lyrics in my ear.

I miss him like I’ve looked up at the stars

and the universe suddenly doesn’t feel so

hopelessly overwhelming

because he’s there. With him

it’s impossible for my life to feel meaningless.

I miss him like his kiss is the most normal

thing in the world.

I miss him like his hands are meant to touch my body.

I miss him like I love him.

-EKJ

I’ll take the high sun at noon,

so brilliant it washes away the shadows

you left behind.

That way

you can keep your painted sunrises,

the ones others wake for.

You used to think the colors in the sky were

magic.

Maybe they still are for others,

but they won’t be for you.

 You’ll come to realize

those colors aren’t yours.

Your soul won’t be touched by them anymore.

Not the way I touched you,

because

I was your magic.

-EKJ