What’s the Matter?

I’ve seen people base their attitudes on the question: “Is this really going to matter in five years from now?” It seems to me the problem I have with this question can be best explained by using a philosophical argument called the slippery slope. Here’s how it goes:

Why stop at asking if it’s going to matter in five years? Why not ask ten? Or twenty? What about in a hundred years when you’re no longer around to care about the feelings you felt? All probability points towards this moment in question not mattering at some time, and if it won’t matter in the future than it shouldn’t matter now.

The problem is that nothing is really going to matter at some time in the future. (Not to make you feel small or insignificant but even the most important parts about humanity won’t be remembered when the universe no longer exists) Therefore, nothing should really be important to you now.

Since things obviously feel important now (as they should), the argument that we should base our current feelings solely on how we’ll feel in the future must be wrong. Right? I think so. I need to believe that if it’s important to you right now, then it matters.

In contrast, others live their lives based on the notion that every decision should be based on what is going to give you the most immediate happiness. This is the “live in the moment” philosophy. While I think that it’s important to be present in the moment you’re living in, I don’t think we should abandon goals and dreams. If we lived everyday for the sole purpose of living that day, I don’t think we would feel like we accomplished very much. In fact, I think that our lives would feel pretty meaningless.

Something that I wrote down the other day explains exactly how I feel about this: I let myself dream about future good things when I need to, because I never want to find that I don’t want to be in the future. For me, this daydreaming can be a ten year plan or it can be as simple as picking out names for a cat I want to get later. Someone literally told me that I shouldn’t wait to get a cat because I shouldn’t wait for the future to do what I want to do now. However, I’m not ready to get a cat yet because I leave town for weeks at a time and my budget is unstable and my apartment is tiny and that’s okay because I don’t plan on always living in this tiny apartment on a “I’m going to grad school” budget where I leave town all of the time. It’s just not the right time for a little kitten.

So, what do these thoughts leave me with? A balance between trying to enjoy the place of life I’m in right now, but still working towards something better. Being in the moment, and not telling myself that my bad days don’t matter. The good feelings I have right now and the bad feelings I have are both things that I’m experiencing and they are both making up what my life consists of. If part of living life means I might have a break down over a presentation for class, then I’m in because living life also means that I’m going to get to learn about things that fascinate me, and meet people that I genuinely love to be around, and drink really awesome coffee. I do enjoy my life how it is right now and I accept that right now, this is where I am.

So, what do you think? Bellatrix or Freya? (I’m talking about cat names of course!)

Also, if you want in on the really awesome coffee get yourself to a Vietnamese coffee shop and thank me for it later.

Tell Me A Story

“Tell me a story.”

You smile.

I laugh.

You lay your head next to mine.

I lose myself for a moment,

staring at you.

Staring at your eyes,

your nose,

the skin between your eyebrows,

your lips, and smile, and cheeks

and finally your eyes one more time

before closing my own at last

to focus on the task assigned.

I’m thinking of a good story for you,

but you already know all of my good stories.

You’re in all of my good stories.

You already knew that, too.

Before you asked, I mean.

I tell you a story anyway.

“There was a girl

and there was a boy

leading each other on a perfectly mundane adventure.”

“Oh good.”

Still, you smile.

“I was hoping you’d pick this one.”

Then, I take an excruciatingly long time with the details.

-EKJ

The Two Fridas

I finally broke my Halloween streak of dressing up as a witch after years of putting on dark lipstick and feeling especially spooky. I wasn’t tired of being a witch. I might even go so far as to say that I almost missed not pulling my black lace cloak out of my closet in celebration of one of my favorite holidays. However, I decided that it was time for a change inspired by one of the strongest, most admirable bad girls I know of.

Dressing up as Frida Kahlo didn’t feel like I was putting on a costume. The giant flowers on my head and the thick eyebrows painted on and the bright red on my lips all gave me confidence and strength that I didn’t think would come. In her life, Frida was fearless. She painted feelings other people shied away from acknowledging. She left her husband when their relationship wasn’t good for her, even though that meant she was going to be on her own. She took actions to support what she believed in. She struggled for most of her life against physical disabilities, and still she wouldn’t let the pain deter her from doing the thing that she lived for: painting. I find her art, and her life, inspiring. I might not dress like Frida Kahlo everyday of the year, but she is someone I think about when I’m feeling scared or too small for an obstacle in front of me. And being able to embody everything Frida represents for the night? Worth hanging up my hat for.

Still Trying To Find the Light

I used to think

that the darkest

the sky would ever be

was just before dawn

But you always liked proving me wrong

so you gave me a glimpse

of the darkest sky

You extinguished

every star

there was in my eye

You were the heat death

of my universe

-EKJ

Nights Spent Thinking Of You Weren’t Wasted

I miss him like I know what it’s like

to have him around on a Tuesday evening

in the summer.

At 8pm the sun is still out.

We go on a walk around the block

and nothing we talk about is important

but we laugh the whole way.

I miss him like we have spent more than one

day dancing around the living room to old music.

He pulls me close just to sing the lyrics in my ear.

I miss him like I’ve looked up at the stars

and the universe suddenly doesn’t feel so

hopelessly overwhelming

because he’s there. With him

it’s impossible for my life to feel meaningless.

I miss him like his kiss is the most normal

thing in the world.

I miss him like his hands are meant to touch my body.

I miss him like I love him.

-EKJ

Next Time You See the Sky

I’ll take the high sun at noon,

so brilliant it washes away the shadows

you left behind.

That way

you can keep your painted sunrises,

the ones others wake for.

You used to think the colors in the sky were

magic.

Maybe they still are for others,

but they won’t be for you.

You’ll come to realize

those colors aren’t yours.

Your soul won’t be touched by them anymore.

Not the way I touched you,

because

I was your magic.

-EKJ

Wine That’s Worth Tasting

Drinking wine is an acquired taste and for me, when I first started going to tastings or ordering a glass at a restaurant it was a little intimidating. I didn’t know what I liked, I probably couldn’t even pronounce Syrah. Thankfully, most of the staff at tasting rooms are more than helpful because they want you to find what you like! In fact, I received some really great advice at a tasting room that I still think about months later.

So, here it is. The best bit of knowledge I have ever received about drinking wine: “If you like the wine, it’s good wine.”

If you think the $200 bottle of wine tastes like crap, it’s crappy wine. If you prefer the $18 bottle, drink it.

This advice is well suited for the craft of fermenting grapes, but it can also be related to almost anything in life. Sometimes we feel like things should be enjoyable and so we pretend to like them even when we don’t. Adversely, sometimes we aren’t brave enough to admit we like something that isn’t universally liked. Next time I enjoy something, you bet I’m going to do my best to like it whether or not it comes highly recommended.

(Pictured: my hand, holding a beautiful glass of cheap wine in a setting that makes the wine look just as good as it is.)

Girls With Thorns

The pair was sitting side by side. He was rambling, as he often did, about how threatening some girls came off as. He was annoyed because he couldn’t understand why all of the pretty girls acted crazy. Why didn’t they appreciate being admired by him?

After listening to him go on she finally asked, “haven’t you ever heard The Tale of the Botanist?”

He shook his head and said, “that doesn’t sound familiar.”

“Care to hear?” the girl smiled.

“Sure,” he said. Although, he was looking rather unsure at the moment.

“There was once this botanist, quite a long time ago, who began the study of flowers. When he came upon the rose he asked curiously, ‘what kind of predator would make these thorns advantageous?’

“He decided he would take a few flowers home for further inquiry. While cutting off the prettiest rose, he grabbed the stem and was stuck by the very thorn he had been looking at.

“So you see?” she said as she finished the story, “everything that is beautiful is equally as dangerous.”

He replied, “I don’t see what a stupid flower has to do with a girl.”

-EKJ

Feeling Inspired

Since I can remember hearing a teacher or professor say a series of words that I considered important, I would write down the direct quote. These quotes don’t always deal directly with the lecture at hand. Sometimes I’ll write down a thought the professor has on life, or a viewpoint about the subject we’re talking about.

Starting grad school I began doing the same thing when one of my peers said something that I thought was worth remembering.

I like to think I have a lot of self-motivation. However, when that is failing me, I turn to the pages in my notes where I keep these small motivational quotes. I thought that a few were worth sharing.

“I plan on creating a bridge between medicine and biotechnology”

“For Mendel, genetics was a hobby. He had another job. He just dedicated a huge chunk of his time to growing over 900 pea pods because it was important to him.”

“I somehow need to find a way to understand…”

(I particularly love this. The guy sitting next to me was talking about his future dream of studying the biological pathways of autism. The way he was talking sounded like it was his purpose. I was in awe of his blatant determination.)

“This guy in the lab on the floor above us just grew a retina.”

“Learn this because it will make you educated… so educated!”

“Isn’t it just beautiful?”

(I find it important to note that the professor was talking about a biological pathway. I have to agree that it was indeed beautiful.)

Yellow Paint

I’ve heard the story about how Van Gough ate yellow paint, despite its toxicity, because he thought that it was a happy color. He thought that maybe he would be happier if he could paint the inside of him yellow.

I don’t believe in romanticizing mental illness and I don’t even know if that was a true story, but I do think that life should be filled with color. When I see the bright giant sunflowers at the farmer’s market, I will buy them. When I have the option to wear a black dress or a red dress, I will choose the red one every time. I think life is too short to wear neutral colored shoes or to fill your apartment with things that look nice, but aren’t things you love.

My sister came up all the way from Tennessee to visit me and my new apartment and when she left my apartment really did feel more alive. While she was here we spent time painting a few large canvases to fill my empty walls. And they are beautiful and bright and I love them.